


And I Don't Want the World to See Me

by TheSofterGentlerMe



Series: The Lyrical Anthology [15]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Relationship Problems, Tension, Yelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:01:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29068491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSofterGentlerMe/pseuds/TheSofterGentlerMe
Summary: Catra feels like it's just not going right, that she can't get it together, and that all she's doing is hurting Adora and a little voice in her head is more than willing to tell her she's right.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), catradora - Relationship
Series: The Lyrical Anthology [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767634
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	And I Don't Want the World to See Me

**Author's Note:**

> Shall we?

Catra waited until Adora had gone to sleep because she knew she wouldn’t be strong enough to face her and tell her. It was going to hurt enough as it was, at least this way she wouldn’t have a fight to remember when she eventually left anyway. 

_ That’s right, you’re doing the right thing, run, run before she’s hurt more,  _ the little voice in her head chimed in.  _ Angella is right about you. You can bear the pain, just get out before you make Adora feel any more. _

The clouds outside would make it even harder for anyone to spot her as she went out and in the darkness of the room, she gathered a few things up into a little shopping bag. She didn’t have much, never had, and moving into the castle hadn’t changed that. She wasn’t sure what she’d do now. She briefly thought of joining the Hordies when the voice chimed in.

_ Why would they take you? Just because you were in the Horde and so were they? They didn’t do what you did. They can be forgiven, you’re beyond that. Little kitty thinks she’s worth being forgiven. What a joke,  _ the voice said.

Catra sat down on the floor next to the bag, the waterfall in the room throwing a little mist her way as the wind shifted through the windows. It fell across her face and she remembered the waves at Salineas breaking across the rock. 

_ There’s one reason. How about Thaymor? She gave you a chance there but you blew it off? Or what happened in that little village out in Plumeria? Remember that one? Didn’t even learn the name of it did you? Bet the villagers remember your name though,  _ the voice said.

Catra wiped at her eyes as she started to cry and shook her head to clear out the voice. She looked at the few pieces of clothing in the little bag, looked around the room for anything else and when she didn’t think of anything, picked the bag up as she got to her feet. She looked over at Adora, wanting just one last look in the dim light of the room, when the clouds parted for just a moment and the moonlight washed over Adora. Catra looked away, she didn’t want to look, and then she froze when she heard Adora move a little in her sleep. Involuntarily she looked back and saw Adora clumsily throw a few punches in her sleep. 

_ Want to try and guess who she’s sleep fighting? Bet it’s you. Bet it’s her remembering all the times you fought her. I’d say go ask but she’d probably wake up and slug you. You deserve that though. So yeah, go wake her up, see what she has to say,  _ the voice said. Catra was about to move when Adora suddenly stopped punching and started patting the bed beside her as if she was trying to find something. Then she sat up, looked at the bed, and then out into the room where she spotted Catra in the moonlight right before the clouds moved back over it and plunged the room back into the dark. 

“Catra? What’re you doing?” Adora said, her voice sleepy. 

“Ummm, nothing. Just… you know… nothing, go back to sleep,” Catra said, shuffling her feet. 

Adora yawned as she said, “Are you dressed? What time is it?” 

“I don’t know,” Catra said. “Go ahead and get some sleep. Busy day tomorrow and all that.” 

She could see Adora lay back down and stretch a little as she lifted up the blanket, patted the space beside her, and said, “Then it is for both of us. Come to bed, Snuggle Kitty.” 

Catra felt a flash of irritation while the voice said,  _ Wow, getting mad at her for that? You really are terrible. Go on, go over there. Make it harder for her when you leave, screw-up. _

“Adora, just let it go,” Catra snapped at her. Adora sat back up in the dark and Catra could just see the hurt look on her face.

_ Great job, screw-up! _ the voice said as the clouds moved and the room filled with moonlight. Adora saw the bag in Catra’s hand then. 

“Catra, what are you doing?” Adora said, her voice full of hurt and suspicion. 

“The right thing,” Catra said flatly. 

“What do you mean,” Adora said as she got out of bed. “What right thing?” 

_ And here you thought you could just slip away, make it a bit easier. Guess what? Nope! Nothing you try and do works, including this relationship,  _ the voice said. 

Catra stepped back towards the door a little as she said, “You know what I’m talking about.” 

“Catra, I don’t,” Adora said. 

_ She does, she’s just humoring you because you tricked her into thinking she loves you. No one can love you because you’re unlovable. You can only fool people, _ the voice said.

“Adora, I can see what I’m doing here, I just make things worse. It’s just a matter of time before… it’s better if…,” Catra said and found she couldn’t say that it’d be better if she wasn’t there. 

“No,” Adora said as the realization crashed in on her. “No, don’t you dare! You are not running off! We talked about this the other week after the whole Angella thing! We talked about this after the portal mess on that empty planet! Why won’t you believe me? I don’t want you to go! I want you with me!” 

“Adora! All I was ever good at was tricking people! That’s all this is! I tricked you! You think you love me but you don’t, not really! You’ll see it soon enough! I’m nothing but garbage and you deserve better!” Catra shouted at her. 

Adora stood there in shock and then stomped forward towards Catra as she said, “Don’t you dare tell me I don’t love you, that this is just me being fooled! Do you remember the Heart!? Do you remember what happened there!? I thought I was dead, I thought it was over, and then you said you loved me and I could feel it! I could feel how much I loved you, it was like a physical force, and I still thought I was going to die but it didn’t matter! I could die a thousand times and scream with joy each time because I loved you and you loved me back!”

Adora stood right in front of Catra by that point and Catra dropped her head as she said, “It’s just…”

“Just what, Catra? A trick? A scam? Do you not love me? Is what we’ve been building together these last months some elaborate ploy? To what end? What’s your goal? Look me in the eye, Catra. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me and I’ll let you go without another word to you,” Adora said, anger and sorrow mixing together in her voice. 

Catra continued to look down as she said, “Adora…”

“No, you look me in the eye. Do me that courtesy at least,” Adora said. 

Catra finally looked up and into Adora’s eyes, her beautiful eyes, her eyes full of anger and hurt and confusion, and Catra said, “Adora, I don’t…”

She couldn’t finish it and looked away towards the door. 

“You don’t what, Catra? Say it. If you ever cared about me one bit you’ll SAY IT!” Adora said, screaming the last bit as tears streamed down her face. 

_ Just lie to her and say it. You lie all the time, you’re GOOD at it, go on, break her heart so she can rebuild it with someone better than you,  _ the voice said. 

Catra was shaking all over as she said, “Adora, I… I just… it’s best if…”

“Stop it! Say it. You’re not getting out of this, you’re not dodging this. Look me in the eye, Catra, and do what I told you if this is what you want,” Adora said. Catra started crying and dropped the bag as she held her hands over her face so Adora couldn’t see. Adora stepped forward and Catra stepped into her arms as she held her tight. 

“I’m so sorry! I love you but I can’t do this to you anymore!” Catra wept. Adora squeezed her tight as she wept right along with her. 

“We can’t do this anymore, you’re right. We have to do something to fix this. I won’t lose you,” Adora said after the weeping subsided a little and they both sat down on a pile of pillows.

_ You’re so CRUEL! I’m amazed at you! Look at you, faking weeping just to string her along a little bit more, _ the voice said.

“What do we do?” Catra said, trying to ignore the voice. 

“I heard that Perfuma is starting something over in Plumeria. A group of people to help with problems like this,” Adora said. “Maybe that’s what we do.”

_ Bwahahahahahaha! Yeah, go to Flower Girl for help! That’ll get it right!  _ the voice said and Catra couldn’t believe how much sarcasm it seemed to have in the last sentence.  _ Drag everyone into your garbage pit, tear them all up, destroy it all, all for whatever little game it is you’re doing. _

Catra knew what she had to do. She was exhausted and that was the only thing that gave her the strength to say what she had to say. 

“Adora, there’s this little voice in my head that’s always telling me awful things. That you don’t really love me, how worthless I am, how I can’t do anything right. I’m sorry I keep hurting you and I need help. Will you help me? Please?” Catra said, terrified of the answer. 

“I don’t think I can help you, Catra, but I’m going to fight every step of the way to find the help you need. No. The help both of us need,” Adora said in realization. “We’re both screwed up. We both need help. We’ll see Perfuma tomorrow, see what can be done.” 

Catra looked into Adora’s eyes and she knew that what she was about to say was meaningless without working at it every day; that it couldn’t be battered over and over again without also putting in the work to keep it alive, and she knew she had to do that work if she wanted it to truly mean something, mean something so strong it could save a world, a universe, and not just be like any other set of three words. She knew that and because of that she almost didn’t say them but she finally did, whispering them, terrified of screwing up and making a lie of them but at the same time knowing if she didn’t speak those words seared into her soul to the woman who’d seared them there, she’d be lost.

“I love you.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I struggle over a story and take a long time to get it out. Then sometimes they come flying out like this one did. 
> 
> I'll say that I don't think The Lyrical Anthology has much longer to go (not that I'm going to stop writing fic!). I want to give it a good ending and not let it just kind of flop to a finish and I have an idea in mind of how it will end. 
> 
> The lyrics to this one are from Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls. I thought the full phrase of, "And I don't want the world to see me/'Cause I don't think that they'd understand/When everything's made to be broken/I just want you to know who I am," was particularly appropriate for this. Catra doesn't want to be seen, really seen, but at the same time she wants to show Adora who she thinks she is in some twisted effort to "save" Adora from Catra. 
> 
> Maybe I should make the last fic in the series based off the first phrase in the song: And I'd give up forever to touch you/'Cause I know that you feel me somehow/You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be/And I don't wanna go home right now. We'll see. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
